inspiration

Thousands of great women are living among us. For one, I am amazed at women, who have several kids, a job and manage a household and take care of their husbands. I have one daughter, a husband that helps a great deal in the household and one that cooks dinner for us almost every night. I am very lucky, still, I am complaining every step of the way and am exhausted every night. Sometimes, I don’t know how these Moms can manage all that and still more! So, all these incredible moms out there have my respect and inspire me!
However, in my immediate environment, it is my grandmother, who inspires me everyday. She is the most optimistic, modest and content person I know. She embraces the day with what it comes and always takes things with a grain of salt. She has the ability to make the best out of even the rough times and still appreciates that. She had no easy life. As a child, she was pushed away by her own mom, later on by her dad as well. At the age of 40 she learned that her dad was not even her biological dad. Pushed around from foster family to foster family, she still never gave up. With no education under her belt, a husband that hit her, two small children, she dared to walk away from the negativity and make it on her own. She followed her dreams and opened her own clothing store. Now, in her eighties, she still lives from the money she made with her store. I talk to her almost every day and wish I was a bit more like her. An amazing and warmhearted person, a woman who see the positive in everything and enjoys the day no matter what. Truly inspiring!
Another woman that inspires me is Joan Didion. She is a writer, who has touched me with her words. She has a way of writing that is simple, straight forward, yet elevated, but always very near to the reader. Her book “The year of magical thinking,” while very sad and depressing, it is also one of the most heartening and moving books. She has made me cry, laugh, wonder, and feel the beauty as well as the sadness that is among us. I have mourned with her, but her writings have also given me the chance to be grateful for all the wonderful things I have in my life.

sadness

sadness so deep and strong... no words can fully express... what we have is more than we can ever truly know...
sadness is gripping the heart... tears rolling down the cheeks... searching for understanding...
sadness that hurts... wishing i could do something... do something really... what can i do?
sadness is heartbreak... and so much more... it is deep and utter pain, empathy and sympathy...

tears

tears of mine, why do you keep flowing...
storm after storm, the sun does never fully shine, at least not long,
not long enough
why do you keep haunting me? have i not suffered enough? have i not given you enough?
betrayed you have me for years... stop hurting me... go bother someone else...
free me of my sorrows, dear angels of love.. let me exit this dark alley and merge onto the lively street...
have i not served you well... it is time we part.. it is time you let me germinate... have i not deserved it yet?
how much more do you need and want...

sleep

sleep is sweet, is quiet, is dreaming, is relaxing, is reinvigorating... sleep is the time i can dive into a world that has no rules, no limits and no severe consequences... sleep is the sweet nectar that helps me feel good in the morning.... if i get enough of it... sleep is the music that sounds even when there is no noise consciously perceived... sleep is great.. yet, whenever i have the chance to catch up on it... i opt not to! why? why do i tend to let sleep wait on me, push sleep aside, even when it cost me so much energy and will... even when i know that sleep is the only way to get out of the current state? how come i feel that i might miss something out if i give in to the sweet music, the sugary nectar?? well, if i really knew that, i'd probably be sleeping right now... well, well.. this is another one of those nights... i enjoy that lili went to sleep early and i have a little bit of time to myself.. despite me being on the edge of falling asleep standing... again, my intention is to go to sleep rather early ... while it is already 21.40... i am unsure how early, early will be tonight....

here i sit, tired, a bit cranky and with a major headache... it's freezing outside.. today was another one of those days where, at the end, i ask myself.. was it worth putting myself through all this trouble...
so, we have been contemplating whether we want to lease a car or not.. we both agreed that it would not hurt to walk into a dealership and check out the offers they have... i have researched some cars and came across the vw jetta diesel, a pretty fuel efficient car, as a matter of fact, one of the top rated cars for fuel efficiency... anyway.. we spent two hours in that dealership, trying to get a deal, but somehow were not able to get what we wanted... by the time we left.. i had a headache, lili was super hungry and we were stranded in queens in an area where all the food you could find was that awful, mall junk food... so, we ended up eating a shitty place, which left me feeling full but not satisfied... even lili did not really like the food... then we had to take the subway back home.. change trains 3 times, get stuck and by the time we arrived at home, we were all grouchy... well.. after a day like that i really wonder what the point was.. but hey, i think we did the right thing by not just taking their offer... maybe we need to rethink this all, do some more research and go back... do we really need a car? the answer must be no, because i think we are doing great without one.. but no question that it would be very convenient.. i could do food shopping with lili with no problem.. we could take trips to cool places and generally with lili it would open up some options... is it worth it... well, well.. that is the question i am still thinking about... do i really want the responsibility of having a car and what comes with it.... oh well... if i knew that, i knew so much more...
so now i will relax, clean the kitchen and then knit a little bit and see what the night brings... hopefully i will know more by the morning..and in any case... we are in no rush...

sunset from my window

late night impressions